Preface
It is said that Buddhists are a gloomy lot because our doctrine revolves around dealing with suffering.
This article illustrates that Buddhists fully appreciate mirth and joy.
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A Zen master told me, “Do the opposite of what I tell you.” So I didn’t.
Says the Master to his pupil: “Do you understand that you don’t really exist?”
Upon which the pupil replies: “To whom are you telling that?”
The Buddha saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges River. Upon inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: “Why don’t you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier.”
Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon. Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!”, he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher. She asked him what she should have done: “What would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response?” The teacher said very simply, “You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella.”
Q. What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday?
A. Nothing.
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza chef?
Make me one with everything. The pizza chef prepares it and gives it to the monk.
The monk pays him and asks for the change.
The pizza vendor says: “Change comes from within.”
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? There is no light bulb.
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”
A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk, “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing.” replied the monk. “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!” said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!”
A Zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?” “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change and not-change it.
A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Q: Why don’t Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.
Q. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
A. Too many attachments!
Q: Did you hear about the new low-fat religion?
A: “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddha”
Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?
A. Inquire within!
The Master: I’ve never met someone so thoughtless in my life. Keep up the good work. The disciple: Thank you Master I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
My karma ran over my dogma.
Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: “Hi, how are you?”
The other ones replies: “I’m fine, thanks.”
“And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?”
“Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.”
“Meditating? What’s that?”
“I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing!”
What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday? Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, “Thank you.”
One Zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”
The second said, “My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep.” The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”
A man joins a Tibetan monastery. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed 2 words a year.
After a rough year of doing 14 hour days in the field, eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed and only having one thin blanket, the man goes to the head monk and says
“More blankets”
Another year passes and he visits the head monk and says
“More food”
A year later the man finds he is drained by the long work days, so he calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say
“I’m leaving”
The head monk says
“Good! You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabi and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says “What the heck! Is this a joke?”
A Buddhist nun is meditating under a tree in the corner of a paddock. “Oom, oom, oom….”
Just over the fence are two cows. One cow turns to the other and says
“She has got it back to front.”
A monk sees that his fellow monk has a big smile so he asks
“Why are you so happy?”
The monk replies
“I have no idea.”
Don’t make the same mistakes twice. Say NO to reincarnation!
Hope you have enjoyed the jokes. Keep smiling!